I'm too young to fry
by themaniac of no man's land
Summary: Join me, Lily Evans for a day... ummm, potions class... and the aftermath of a day… umm, class… in the life of one brilliant, clever, and amazing redhead, known to those who know her as Lily Evans, and her highly relevant and important existence. Right.
1. I'm too young to fry

Potter keeps staring at me. Okay, we're potions partners today, Potter, but if that gave you a license to stare, the Ministry of Magic would have run out of paper already. I think I might drop of filibuster firework in his cauldron. Who knows, it could be amusing…

Hee hee, I did it. He looks quite cute and fanciable when he's surprised, it's really too bad he's such a git and a tosser the rest of the time. And it would be fun to flaunt him around in front of all those stupid bimbos who thinks he's some kind of Quidditch god. Honestly, if I had people like that hanging around me, I'd asked to meet them in the Transfiguration Classroom and jinx them silly. Oh, wait, I already did….

Potter is so mean! I hate him! Enough with the snide remarks already, okay? Someday, Potter may "conquer my heart" like he claims he will. All I've got to say about that is that if he does, he's going to have to drag me to the Giant Squid, kicking and screaming. Potter, just because you're supposed to be the best chaser in Hogwarts in the last decade doesn't mean that you can be…

Hmmm… Interesting. It appears that the side effects of splashing half-finished Amortentia on Potter causes large pink heart-shaped rashes to appear in the areas of contact- must remember this. Note to self: self, remember this highly useful and relevant trivia. Got it? Good. This is great fun, really. He looks like a wounded calf- maybe he'll bleat soon?  
….

….

Bugger. Although I feel kind of bad now, especially since even Sirius and Remus are dying of laughter. Even Alice has long ago submitted to the fun, gasping- that's what best friends are for, right? Even if they are the most annoyingly good-natured people on this side of the universe- except for the Martians. I've talked with them, and I must say, they're very nice. And everyone else, all my friends, may expire from lack of breath soon as well- except Pott… wait! Potter's laughing his head off too. So now I don't feel so bad. Three cheers for Lily, a brilliant, amazing, and clever redhead extraordinaire! So I smirk at Potter. Revenge is sweet, my little toadstool. Snape's look elated. Slimy, betraying git… lousy friend… how I long to get at him… no, wait. Remember, Lily, he was your friend until you got irritated with Potter last year during OWLs for hexing Snape. So now, Lily, you must not hex Snape, because A) that would make you a hypocrite, and B) he was your friend for five years. Five years, Lily. Fine. Okay, so no Snape. Plus, Potter was actually really mean. Sirius tells me he was trying to impress me- p lease? Taking off Snape's underpants? I can think of very few things I would like less to see.

Slughorn's looking at the fireworks in Potter's cauldron. I'm so glad he likes me- no detention this time- he just looks amused.

"Miss Evans, can you accompany Mr. Potter to the Hospital wing?"  
I figure it's the least I can do, even if it means Potter will try to kiss me. After all, I didn't get detentions or points or… although, not that accompanying Potter to the hospital wing is such a bad thing anyway. But I must play hard to get, Lily, otherwise he'll end up treating me like one of those bimbos in his fan club. Alice smirks at me as we walked out of the door. Stupid love is always trying to get me and Potter to go out. I just roll my eyes and twirl my hair. Silly bimbo doesn't know what she would get herself in for. Me and Potter? Can you imagine the arguments?

It comes earlier than usual when Potter gives me "The Speech," something my friends have referred to his usual declarations of love and marriage. Urrgh. I just turned seventeen, Potter, I'm too old to possibly think of settling down. But we're not three steps out of the dungeon when he asks, "Evans, do you ever think about me?" An odd question from an odd duck, really. Truth is, though, I think about Potter a lot, mostly because he seems to take up so much of my time and mental energy to deal with him. And in other ways that I'm certainly not going to mention to him, as I'm playing hard to get now. Although nobody knows that except me, Lily Evans, stealth tracker.  
"well," I say, dodging the question like my stealthy self, "It depends on to what, in context."

"What do you mean, Evans?" He's not a subtle one, is he? But he's grinning. Oooh, time to get him. Lily Evans, master of Cheap Shots!  
"Well, in context to flobberworms, I think about you quite a lot. In context to that adorable sweetie of a hunk seventh year Gryffindor, McLaggen, you occupy almost none of my time." That is such a boldfaced lie. I hate McLaggen. Oooh, Barf City… Hey! Lily Evans, Queen of Good Lies!

He growls, "Who? Where? I'll kill him…" There's an eye-roller. How many times have I heard this? Potter, please, for the sanity of all of us, keep your hair curlers in and your hands to yourself.

"Don't." I reply boredly. "I was kidding, Potter. It's called a joke… have you ever heard of them?" His eyes light up. Pathetic. But jokes are something he can actually understand. Not that Potter is dumb… but I digress. On Topic, Lily!

"So you don't fancy him, then?"

"Disgusting," I tell him, making a Lily-face. He grins at mean, and without warning, pushes me against a wall and pins me there with his stupid strong arms. Who turned you into a rapist, Potter? What is this! I just remain Lily Evans-cool and give him a look, and try to free myself. Damn boys. It's bloody impossible.

"What do you want?" He's kind of creeping me out.

"Evans" he looks directly into me eyes, and he's got the top-ten most cute looks I've ever seen on him number one on. It looks desperate, pleading, yet elated. "You're… you amaze me. I just don't know how to tell you that, tell you how I feel…"

The bell rings. He releases me. "Well?" Well, Potter, you still look odd half-covered in tiny pink heart rashes. But cute… but I can't let you know that, because I'm Lily Evans, Master of Self Preservation!

"Potter, I'm too young to fry, let's get you to the hospital wing," I tell him. He grins at me, but looks kind of hurt. Scientific topic specimen for perusal: does Potter actually like me?


	2. The fat's in the fire

Disclaimer: I disclaim everything before, after, and in between this disclaimer.

So I've thought about it. …And thought. And thought. Lily Evans, newest Socrates! Am I just too busy having fun to pay attention to Potter's feelings?

Hold that thought.

Nope- he likes attention and demands I pay it to him. Potter, from henceforth onward, I, Lily Evans, brilliant, witty and charismatic redhead known to those who know me as Lily Evans, refuse to pay any more attention tribute! There! But maybe I might ask my friends… the little gossip mongrels themselves. Silly girls.

I've just realized that Potter still has heart shaped rashes all over his face and arms. Wow. What a mastermind job, Lily. Wait a second, he's looking at me. Potter, I haven't believed it when you told me there was something on my face since the second day of first year. Take that. Lily Evans, Master detector of deception! And now we've just looked at each other and started laughing. Giggles and chuckles! Ah, at last, the hospital wing! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I'm…

Madam Pomfrey's pretty ticked. Hee hee. Apparently that's the fourth time he's been in the hospital wing this week. Honestly, Potter, you should watch out for these things- maybe you need glasses! A fine pair of spectacles for you, dear sir? But maybe wizards can correct their eyesight and the only wizards who need glasses are those who spend ten years of their lives in a small broom cupboard under a set of stairs or something odd like that. Like at Quidditch games, he says he can't see the bludgers because he's "too busy watching everything else." Alice claims "everything else" is James-speak for "Lily Evans, Best Quidditch Fan in the Stands!" But really, how deceived can the addle-brained girl be? She's drank one too many of her own class-made potions, that silly girl has. Everyone knows Potter's captain and has to be watching everyone else. Plus, he talks to so many other girls…

Why does Potter do these things? Potter, you fleabag, you always ruin the good moments and should promptly go jumping off a large swinging bridge in Siberia! If they even have swinging bridges in Siberia… We were having a dandy time counting the hearts on his face and arms- he even took his shirt off and I can't quite say I minded… Lily Evans, Scout Master! Then he kept on joking about how all his hearts belonged to me, because I had made them in the first place. Well duh, of course I made them, it was MY firework that exploded his potion, heehee!

Then, the sad, lame excuse for a womanizer places his hand on his chest and declares loudly and melodramatically (I can just hear the fat lady waiting behind him to warm up for her solo) "and this one, too." Really, does this sunny Jim not have the slightest idea how to woo the fair lady's heart? Apparent sincerity goes a long way… WHY does he always have to do that? But still, he makes it so hard for me to remember he'll just play-and ditch if I did go out with him when he fakes that stupid cheesy grin. Potter, if you give me any more cheese, it's going to fall right off your crackers, and that won't be too tasty, will it? All the same, I had to get away before I started snogging the hearts right off his stupid old spotted face. Back away, Lily… good, good. Lily Evans, Master of Self Discipline! With one exertion of mental willpower, I can leap tall buildings in a single bound AND back away from very-snoggable looking heartbreakers. Ten points for Lily!

Ah, blasts, the bloody tosser is looking disappointed that I am slowly backing away from him like he's Voldemort on a sugar high and even more so that I haven't responded to his stupid, sappy little comment. Potter, if you gave me any more sap, your maple tree would expire on the spot. But I do so hate disappointed and hurt looking people, particularly very fanciable ones… Aaaaah, bloody hell, Potter better thank my bleeding heart. I'll be kind to him… after I save the poor starving orphan muggles… they deserve it much more than him anyway… Steady there, Lily, approach with caution…

Potter, the salvation from the apocalypse isn't here yet, you needn't suddenly look so hopeful… Lily, why are you surrounded by freaks? Just a small kiss on the cheek, that's the ticket, a little pick-me-up for Potter the depressed, that's me, Lily Evans, Human Prozac! Say, judging by the indication of his face, Potter has gotten more than just a little pick-me-up from the incident, as a matter of fact, I think the incident seems to have completely vaporized his brain into a thousand tiny pieces, as he has a completely dazed expression on his face. Potter, why must you constantly overreact? Oh dear, brain sensors on red alert. He's coming back onto me! Mayday, Lily! Flee for your life! Beep beep beep beep…

Oh dear, why on earth must Potter be so very speedy? He's caught me and… well, if I get a snog like this every time I must say my brain sensors must go on red alert much more often… Wait a second! Back up the bus! Did I say snog? Oh, Merlin's Beard, I really must flee now.

Potter looks pretty taken aback- at least from what I could see as I fled from the hospital wing. He still has those little red hearts- only now they're about the same shade as the rest of his face. Oh, Potter, you little lame duckbrain, you're just trying to confuse me. And I must say, it is working out quite nicely! But now that I'm on to your little plot, no more I say! Lily Evans, Master of Her Own Confusion!

Blimey, what am I saying? For all my own notes to self: self, don't give in to Potter, I am quite unsuccessful. Bloody hell- the fat's really on the fire now and I've just been thrown into the frying pan- better get out before I'm deep fried. Potter had better prove that he really likes me, or, as I said before, he'd better drag me kicking and screaming to the Giant Squid.


End file.
